One of the biggest realizations in this lifelong journey is coming to understand how profoundly [...]]]> Nearly two years ago, while sitting on a balcony, a friend used the term “egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” Because of my tendency to favor placing multisyllabic labels on concepts that are inherently much simpler, I immediately began grappling with this idea.

One of the biggest realizations in this lifelong journey is coming to understand how profoundly one’s ego has a tendency to rule the show, and beginning to recognize the innumerable ways in which it is manifested on a daily basis. But how could the inferiority side of this equation fit with my long-held definition of ego? After all, doesn’t ego connote a certain level of arrogance; moreover, how could fear of being “less than” possibly drive egomaniacism? The two initially seemed mutually exclusive.

Long after this conversation, I finally accepted that fear and ego were inextricably intertwined. Given my propensity towards intellectualization, I then began racking my brain for a psychological link between two seemingly unrelated phenomena. As I progressed, however, I came to realize that no amount of psychological research could effectively resolve this “FEGO (fear + ego) conundrum” to my satisfaction.

I began to wonder…is it possible that fear generally arises when we superimpose our ego, or our personal will, upon the universe? After all, isn’t self-will the very layer of putrefaction and corruption that exists between our true selves and the infinite nature of God? My ultimate personal irony has been the realization that this ego, this voice of distrust, which produces fear in an attempt to protect itself, only results in a greater blockage from God. This blockage results in more fear, and eventually, the sum of our thoughts and actions (both conscious and unconscious) results in the manifestation of that which we fear the most.

The only solution to this I have found thus far lies in destruction of the ego. This is a lifelong process, as endless opportunities to acknowledge and be rid of self inevitably arise on a daily basis. As this continues, and as each respective layer of self is peeled away, I am afforded the opportunity to continue building a greater connection with myself, others, and ultimately with a Higher Power.